1 00:00:01,211 --> 00:00:02,523 Baby Colin is miserable, 2 00:00:02,547 --> 00:00:03,892 and it's a mystery to me. 3 00:00:06,188 --> 00:00:09,343 Seems like only yesterday when he danced and sang 4 00:00:09,367 --> 00:00:11,174 and was full of joys and smiles. 5 00:00:12,667 --> 00:00:14,180 Now he barely talks to me. 6 00:00:14,204 --> 00:00:15,849 And when he does, it's very unpleasant. 7 00:00:15,873 --> 00:00:18,621 Shit. Have you got enough toys on the floor? 8 00:00:18,645 --> 00:00:20,692 I say, can you take the headphones off? 9 00:00:20,716 --> 00:00:21,996 My headphones are on. 10 00:00:22,020 --> 00:00:23,519 Yeah, I know. Can you take them off? 11 00:00:23,543 --> 00:00:24,603 Just for one second. 12 00:00:24,627 --> 00:00:26,037 Hold on. What? 13 00:00:26,061 --> 00:00:29,135 I was thinking, why don't we hop the fence at the zoo 14 00:00:29,159 --> 00:00:31,280 and see if those baby rhinos have grown 15 00:00:31,304 --> 00:00:33,618 - since the last time we... - Yeah, I'm kind of busy right now. 16 00:00:33,642 --> 00:00:35,554 - Looked at them. - Thank you. 17 00:00:36,515 --> 00:00:37,559 Why are you still here? 18 00:00:37,583 --> 00:00:39,285 - Okay. Uh... - Huh? 19 00:00:39,309 --> 00:00:41,768 I know he has the body of a man now, 20 00:00:41,792 --> 00:00:45,208 but it was literally last week when he was but a small boy. 21 00:00:45,232 --> 00:00:47,199 And I've read all the relevant literature 22 00:00:47,223 --> 00:00:49,684 on the trials and tribulations of being a young person, 23 00:00:49,708 --> 00:00:52,339 but it's provided me with no guidance at all. 24 00:00:52,363 --> 00:00:55,736 He doesn't even enjoy his playdates anymore. 25 00:00:55,760 --> 00:00:58,256 He's really had quite the growth spurt, hasn't he? 26 00:00:58,280 --> 00:00:59,831 Ain't that the truth, Alison? 27 00:00:59,855 --> 00:01:00,872 You see, he's on the cusp 28 00:01:00,896 --> 00:01:02,176 of that awkward age. 29 00:01:02,200 --> 00:01:04,580 No, I'm on base. I'm on base! 30 00:01:04,604 --> 00:01:07,127 Dylan! 31 00:01:07,151 --> 00:01:09,171 Dylan said that the staircase 32 00:01:09,195 --> 00:01:12,589 was base, and I was touching base, but he hit me anyway! 33 00:01:12,613 --> 00:01:14,700 - It wasn't fair! - It's all right. 34 00:01:14,724 --> 00:01:16,337 I wish you were dead, Dylan! 35 00:01:16,361 --> 00:01:18,274 - No, no, come on. No, you don't. - Yes, I do! 36 00:01:18,298 --> 00:01:20,011 It's like he's half kid, half adult. 37 00:01:20,035 --> 00:01:21,214 It's okay. 38 00:01:21,238 --> 00:01:22,906 I mean, he looks like Colin Robinson 39 00:01:22,930 --> 00:01:25,814 and he sounds like Colin Robinson, but mentally he's all over the place. 40 00:01:25,838 --> 00:01:27,639 - So, you're gonna hold the bat. - Why? 41 00:01:27,663 --> 00:01:29,330 As the other parental figure in his life, 42 00:01:29,354 --> 00:01:31,734 I thought I'd have the opportunity to teach him things. 43 00:01:31,758 --> 00:01:33,038 Swing! All right! 44 00:01:33,062 --> 00:01:34,210 Okay. It's okay. I'll get it. 45 00:01:34,234 --> 00:01:36,244 It just happened so fast. Just... 46 00:01:36,268 --> 00:01:38,348 So you really want to look at the ball, okay? 47 00:01:38,372 --> 00:01:39,586 - I did look at the ball. - The only thing 48 00:01:39,610 --> 00:01:42,656 that seems to give him any joy these days and has done since he learned to walk 49 00:01:42,680 --> 00:01:43,792 is hammering holes 50 00:01:43,816 --> 00:01:45,662 in his old room in the basement. 51 00:01:45,686 --> 00:01:47,066 Now, I've tried to stop him, 52 00:01:47,090 --> 00:01:48,735 but it seems like a healthy release 53 00:01:48,759 --> 00:01:50,739 for this seemingly relentless 54 00:01:50,763 --> 00:01:52,900 and unwarranted anger. 55 00:01:59,714 --> 00:02:04,867 ♪ When did she get to be a beauty? ♪ 56 00:02:04,891 --> 00:02:09,343 ♪ When did he grow to be so tall? ♪ 57 00:02:09,367 --> 00:02:14,720 ♪ Wasn't it yesterday when they ♪ 58 00:02:14,744 --> 00:02:18,061 ♪ Were small? ♪ 59 00:02:18,085 --> 00:02:20,799 ♪ Sunrise, sunset ♪ 60 00:02:20,823 --> 00:02:23,738 ♪ Sunrise, sunset ♪ 61 00:02:23,762 --> 00:02:28,639 ♪ Swiftly flow the day s ♪ 62 00:02:29,107 --> 00:02:34,193 ♪ Seedlings turn overnight to sunflowers ♪ 63 00:02:34,217 --> 00:02:39,227 ♪ Blossoming even when we gaze. ♪ 64 00:02:45,706 --> 00:02:48,087 Now that we don't have Baby Colin as our big draw, 65 00:02:48,111 --> 00:02:51,060 the nightclub has just gone to a big steaming shit! 66 00:02:51,084 --> 00:02:53,131 - I wouldn't say "shit," but... - Well, I would. 67 00:02:53,155 --> 00:02:56,254 And we still don't have even close to enough money to repair the house. 68 00:02:56,278 --> 00:02:57,739 But we're not giving up. 69 00:02:57,763 --> 00:02:59,043 She's full of ideas, this one. 70 00:02:59,067 --> 00:03:00,980 I am. I still think we should try 71 00:03:01,004 --> 00:03:03,451 that all-vampire freestyle rap battle again. 72 00:03:03,475 --> 00:03:06,858 It's no good. Vampires are too hotheaded. 73 00:03:06,882 --> 00:03:08,394 ♪ Why you out here competing? ♪ 74 00:03:08,418 --> 00:03:09,998 ♪ Why's that hairline receding? ♪ 75 00:03:10,022 --> 00:03:11,400 ♪ Why'd you even... ♪ 76 00:03:12,460 --> 00:03:13,600 And then there was 77 00:03:13,624 --> 00:03:16,844 the human improvisational comedy troupe. 78 00:03:16,868 --> 00:03:18,881 Okay, so, to get us started, first we're gonna need a suggestion. 79 00:03:18,905 --> 00:03:20,465 Suck each other's dicks! 80 00:03:20,489 --> 00:03:21,787 - Yeah! - Seems like vampires 81 00:03:21,811 --> 00:03:23,825 just don't get improv comedy. 82 00:03:23,849 --> 00:03:24,995 Because it's not funny. 83 00:03:25,019 --> 00:03:26,264 More like a location. 84 00:03:26,288 --> 00:03:27,699 Suck each other's dicks 85 00:03:27,723 --> 00:03:29,036 in outer space! 86 00:03:29,060 --> 00:03:30,338 You know, I really thought 87 00:03:30,362 --> 00:03:32,409 that Laszlo showcasing his new songs 88 00:03:32,433 --> 00:03:33,878 would be a big hit. 89 00:03:33,902 --> 00:03:38,154 ♪ Is my song too complex? ♪ 90 00:03:38,178 --> 00:03:41,394 ♪ Why you looking perplexed? ♪ 91 00:03:41,418 --> 00:03:44,800 ♪ My intelligence is a ten ♪ 92 00:03:44,824 --> 00:03:49,143 ♪ Yours are three and fours ♪ 93 00:03:49,167 --> 00:03:50,799 ♪ It's not my fault ♪ 94 00:03:50,823 --> 00:03:53,484 ♪ Stupid motherfuckers, it's yours ♪ 95 00:03:53,508 --> 00:03:55,492 - Come on, join in, you stupid... - Fuck off, Laszlo! 96 00:03:55,516 --> 00:03:56,824 ♪ It's not my... ♪ 97 00:03:56,848 --> 00:03:58,461 But we're still making a little bit of income. 98 00:03:58,485 --> 00:04:00,265 Yes, a little trickle. 99 00:04:00,289 --> 00:04:01,901 ♪ It's not my fault ♪ 100 00:04:01,925 --> 00:04:03,872 ♪ You thick pieces of shit ♪ 101 00:04:03,896 --> 00:04:06,693 ♪ It's yours ♪ 102 00:04:06,717 --> 00:04:07,981 - ♪ It's not my fault ♪ - But we're really scraping 103 00:04:08,005 --> 00:04:09,416 - the bottom... - Shh. 104 00:04:09,440 --> 00:04:11,187 Of the old desperate barrel at this point. 105 00:04:11,211 --> 00:04:13,250 A lot of bachelorette parties. 106 00:04:13,274 --> 00:04:15,528 ♪ Throw it back, all the girls... ♪ 107 00:04:15,552 --> 00:04:17,132 And then we worked so hard 108 00:04:17,156 --> 00:04:18,368 on the haunted house. 109 00:04:18,392 --> 00:04:19,938 Seemed like a slam dunk. 110 00:04:23,468 --> 00:04:26,918 It's like, did they just order the costumes off of Amazon? 111 00:04:26,942 --> 00:04:28,855 Yeah, let's get out of here. 112 00:04:28,879 --> 00:04:31,827 Children's birthday parties are now, unfortunately, 113 00:04:31,851 --> 00:04:33,231 our biggest draw. 114 00:04:33,255 --> 00:04:35,035 Oh, no, no! Not on the stairs! 115 00:04:35,059 --> 00:04:36,771 Upstairs out-of-bounds! 116 00:04:36,795 --> 00:04:37,815 I got you! 117 00:04:37,839 --> 00:04:38,892 This one! 118 00:04:38,916 --> 00:04:40,211 He keeps cheating me! 119 00:04:42,227 --> 00:04:43,988 It's just a phase. He'll grow out of it. 120 00:04:44,012 --> 00:04:45,155 Well, at the rate he's growing, 121 00:04:45,179 --> 00:04:46,891 he should have grown out of it already. 122 00:04:46,915 --> 00:04:49,296 Well, at least he's not a boring energy vampire. 123 00:04:49,320 --> 00:04:52,502 I'd rather he was boring than this insolent monster. 124 00:04:52,526 --> 00:04:53,605 With respect, 125 00:04:53,629 --> 00:04:56,410 the trouble is that neither of you know how to speak 126 00:04:56,434 --> 00:04:59,016 to the younger generation in their own language. 127 00:04:59,040 --> 00:05:00,142 What, and you do? 128 00:05:00,651 --> 00:05:03,191 Some of my finest soldiers were just teenagers. 129 00:05:03,215 --> 00:05:05,095 It was essential to communicate 130 00:05:05,119 --> 00:05:07,065 with them in their own lingo... 131 00:05:07,089 --> 00:05:09,003 Or gutter patois, if you will... 132 00:05:09,027 --> 00:05:12,589 To inspire and motivate them onto the battlefield 133 00:05:12,792 --> 00:05:15,282 because we'd usually put the youngsters at the front. 134 00:05:15,306 --> 00:05:16,884 And they would instantly 135 00:05:16,908 --> 00:05:19,089 be mowed down by the attacking army. 136 00:05:19,113 --> 00:05:20,592 So they were always a little 137 00:05:20,616 --> 00:05:22,429 reluctant to stand there. 138 00:05:22,453 --> 00:05:25,492 You know what? I will fix. 139 00:05:26,494 --> 00:05:27,941 We're fucked. 140 00:05:29,467 --> 00:05:31,237 Watch and learn. 141 00:05:34,979 --> 00:05:37,159 Very cool tunes. 142 00:05:37,183 --> 00:05:39,830 I, too, get off on rocking out 143 00:05:39,854 --> 00:05:41,300 to cool tunes like these. 144 00:05:41,324 --> 00:05:44,006 But you know, 145 00:05:44,030 --> 00:05:45,909 there's more to life than just... 146 00:05:51,044 --> 00:05:52,589 - Dude. - But you know, 147 00:05:52,613 --> 00:05:54,159 there's more to life than just 148 00:05:54,183 --> 00:05:56,230 rocking out to cool tunes. 149 00:05:56,254 --> 00:05:57,899 - Like what? - Ah, 150 00:05:57,923 --> 00:05:59,903 you're probably too young to grok 151 00:05:59,927 --> 00:06:02,109 what I'm trying to lay down. 152 00:06:02,133 --> 00:06:04,013 One of the all-time 153 00:06:04,037 --> 00:06:07,252 coolest ways of rocking out is to be nice and polite 154 00:06:07,276 --> 00:06:10,558 to your housemates and to your elders. 155 00:06:10,582 --> 00:06:12,396 Wow. R-Really? 156 00:06:12,420 --> 00:06:15,001 A-A-And you think this could work for me? 157 00:06:15,025 --> 00:06:17,472 I... I do. 158 00:06:17,496 --> 00:06:18,908 Thanks, man. 159 00:06:18,932 --> 00:06:21,113 Uh, thank you for blessing me 160 00:06:21,137 --> 00:06:23,008 with these pearls of wisdom. 161 00:06:23,508 --> 00:06:25,588 You are very welcome... 162 00:06:25,612 --> 00:06:26,924 man. 163 00:06:26,948 --> 00:06:28,461 You see? 164 00:06:28,485 --> 00:06:31,825 You just have to know how to speak their language. 165 00:06:35,324 --> 00:06:38,071 If anyone complains, that's when you can kill them. 166 00:06:38,095 --> 00:06:40,552 And I was wondering... Oh-oh, Mistress Nadja. 167 00:06:40,576 --> 00:06:42,656 - Oh. - May I introduce to you 168 00:06:42,680 --> 00:06:44,417 to Mr. Phineas Taylor Barnum? 169 00:06:44,441 --> 00:06:45,488 - Hmm. - Oh. 170 00:06:45,512 --> 00:06:47,722 Mr. Barnum was just giving me some great advice 171 00:06:47,746 --> 00:06:49,555 - about bringing in the crowds. - Mm-hmm. 172 00:06:49,579 --> 00:06:53,010 Mr. Barnum. Please, do give us just one moment. 173 00:06:53,034 --> 00:06:54,981 Okay, thank you. 174 00:06:55,005 --> 00:06:58,087 P.T. Barnum died over 150 years ago. 175 00:06:58,111 --> 00:07:00,325 - Is he a vampire? - Yeah, don't ask me to explain. 176 00:07:00,349 --> 00:07:02,095 Well, I feel like I must ask you to explain. 177 00:07:02,119 --> 00:07:04,133 - Ah, it's no big deal. - Well, I'm your boss, 178 00:07:04,157 --> 00:07:05,468 so do you want me to use my loud voice? 179 00:07:05,492 --> 00:07:06,518 - Hi, guys. - Oh, for... 180 00:07:06,542 --> 00:07:08,305 - Oh, hi. - Uh, hey, uh, 181 00:07:08,329 --> 00:07:10,512 sorry, I-I feel like I'm interrupting. 182 00:07:10,536 --> 00:07:11,720 - You are. - Oh. 183 00:07:11,744 --> 00:07:13,251 I just wanted to give you 184 00:07:13,275 --> 00:07:15,355 this CD of some songs that I 185 00:07:15,379 --> 00:07:19,029 burned for you. I mean, I-I didn't burn it just for you, 186 00:07:19,053 --> 00:07:21,100 'cause that'd be creepy and pathetic. 187 00:07:21,124 --> 00:07:23,704 Well, I had an extra CD, I guess, and so... 188 00:07:23,728 --> 00:07:24,974 Thank you, Colin. 189 00:07:24,998 --> 00:07:26,677 I will definitely figure out 190 00:07:26,701 --> 00:07:29,016 how to listen to this. 191 00:07:29,040 --> 00:07:31,712 If you like the songs, maybe we could 192 00:07:31,736 --> 00:07:33,221 hang out sometime. 193 00:07:33,245 --> 00:07:35,728 And if you don't like the songs, I don't really give a shit. 194 00:07:35,752 --> 00:07:38,201 So, either way, it's, you know, whatever. 195 00:07:38,225 --> 00:07:40,429 All right, later. Bye. 196 00:07:41,397 --> 00:07:43,044 - Speak, bitch. - All right. 197 00:07:43,068 --> 00:07:45,548 But you mustn't breathe a word of this to anyone. 198 00:07:47,243 --> 00:07:50,091 Over the last few decades, I have come across 199 00:07:50,115 --> 00:07:52,095 some books in the Vampiric Council library 200 00:07:52,119 --> 00:07:54,433 that contain the most forbidden-est 201 00:07:54,457 --> 00:07:57,205 of secret knowledges, and I have learned 202 00:07:57,229 --> 00:07:59,743 the ancient art form of summoning the dead. 203 00:08:01,104 --> 00:08:03,618 But this is witchcraft. 204 00:08:03,642 --> 00:08:05,121 Cut that out. 205 00:08:05,145 --> 00:08:07,626 So you can bring any person back from the dead? 206 00:08:07,650 --> 00:08:09,998 Only the ones that I own the souls of. 207 00:08:10,022 --> 00:08:11,300 One moment. 208 00:08:11,324 --> 00:08:13,361 Mr. Barnum, right this way, please. 209 00:08:15,098 --> 00:08:17,045 May I present... 210 00:08:17,069 --> 00:08:18,982 the second finest collection 211 00:08:19,006 --> 00:08:21,687 of human dead souls in these United States. 212 00:08:21,711 --> 00:08:22,753 Wow. 213 00:08:22,777 --> 00:08:24,393 And who has the finest collection? 214 00:08:24,417 --> 00:08:26,363 Some rich computer guy. 215 00:08:26,387 --> 00:08:30,104 So, um, how do you turn these souls back into people? 216 00:08:30,128 --> 00:08:32,209 Now, sadly, 217 00:08:32,233 --> 00:08:35,148 once the souls are reanimated into human form, 218 00:08:35,172 --> 00:08:37,185 they only live for about 24 hours 219 00:08:37,209 --> 00:08:38,754 and then they dissolve back 220 00:08:38,778 --> 00:08:41,126 into the ingredients from whence they came. 221 00:08:41,150 --> 00:08:42,762 - Oh. Ooh. - Okay, hand me the soul. 222 00:08:42,786 --> 00:08:46,227 Okay. Thank you. And in it goes. 223 00:08:47,796 --> 00:08:49,109 Oh, it stinks. 224 00:08:49,133 --> 00:08:51,113 That's life, baby. Take it in. 225 00:08:51,137 --> 00:08:52,164 Hello? 226 00:08:54,177 --> 00:08:57,514 Ah! 227 00:08:57,538 --> 00:08:58,561 It worked. 228 00:08:58,585 --> 00:09:00,598 Scott Joplin, I presume? 229 00:09:00,622 --> 00:09:02,769 Happy to make your acquaintance, madam. 230 00:09:02,793 --> 00:09:04,529 - And yours. - Uh, and you as well, madam. 231 00:09:05,614 --> 00:09:07,679 Look, uh, we all make mistakes. 232 00:09:07,703 --> 00:09:08,835 It's no big deal. 233 00:09:08,859 --> 00:09:10,285 Well, it kind of is a big deal, Sean, 234 00:09:10,309 --> 00:09:11,587 'cause he stole your car. 235 00:09:11,611 --> 00:09:14,059 - I was gonna bring it back. - I beg your pardon? 236 00:09:14,083 --> 00:09:16,297 I said I was going to bring it back. 237 00:09:16,321 --> 00:09:19,269 Listen, he was just taking it for a little joyride. 238 00:09:19,293 --> 00:09:22,042 Colin, maybe you could help us understand what you were thinking. 239 00:09:22,066 --> 00:09:23,711 - I don't know. - Your behavior 240 00:09:23,735 --> 00:09:25,615 is nothing like the Colin we know. 241 00:09:25,639 --> 00:09:28,421 The Colin you know? You don't know me at all. 242 00:09:28,445 --> 00:09:31,627 I mean, you can't tell me who my parents are 243 00:09:31,651 --> 00:09:33,331 or where I came from 244 00:09:33,355 --> 00:09:35,735 or why I have these thoughts in my head 245 00:09:35,759 --> 00:09:38,051 about hammering holes in the wall. 246 00:09:38,075 --> 00:09:39,476 We don't know ourselves! 247 00:09:39,500 --> 00:09:41,347 You can't tell me why I grew 248 00:09:41,371 --> 00:09:44,029 a foot and a half overnight like a human radish. 249 00:09:44,053 --> 00:09:46,057 Listen, you ungrateful fuck, you're giving me the pip. 250 00:09:46,081 --> 00:09:47,692 - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. - We're doing our best here. 251 00:09:47,716 --> 00:09:49,463 Oh, well, that makes me feel so much better. 252 00:09:49,487 --> 00:09:50,765 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Guys, guys, guys. 253 00:09:50,789 --> 00:09:51,834 All right, you cheeky fuck. 254 00:09:51,858 --> 00:09:53,858 Things are getting a little too heated in here. 255 00:09:53,882 --> 00:09:55,608 - Yeah, 'cause he fucking started it. - He started it. 256 00:09:55,632 --> 00:09:57,812 Okay, listen, my dad and I used to fight 257 00:09:57,836 --> 00:09:59,149 like this all the time! 258 00:09:59,173 --> 00:10:01,153 And nothing good came from it! 259 00:10:01,177 --> 00:10:02,988 - You understand me? - Yes. 260 00:10:03,012 --> 00:10:04,942 - Okay. - But my pops and I, 261 00:10:04,966 --> 00:10:07,832 we were able to figure out a way to settle our differences. 262 00:10:07,856 --> 00:10:11,173 And that's what we're gonna do right now. So, get up. 263 00:10:11,197 --> 00:10:12,242 - What? - Get up. 264 00:10:12,266 --> 00:10:13,578 Both of youse. 265 00:10:13,602 --> 00:10:15,882 Let's do it. You can trust Seanie. 266 00:10:15,906 --> 00:10:17,252 All right, face each other. 267 00:10:17,276 --> 00:10:19,289 - We are. - Good. Make eye contact. 268 00:10:19,313 --> 00:10:20,777 Okay? 269 00:10:20,801 --> 00:10:21,830 Good enough. 270 00:10:21,854 --> 00:10:23,397 Now, I'm gonna count down from three. 271 00:10:23,421 --> 00:10:26,136 When I say go, start swinging. 272 00:10:26,160 --> 00:10:27,639 - Wait, what? - First one to tap out, 273 00:10:27,663 --> 00:10:29,090 other one's head of the household. 274 00:10:29,114 --> 00:10:31,180 - Three, two, one... - No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! 275 00:10:31,204 --> 00:10:33,284 - We're not doing that. - Come on! 276 00:10:33,308 --> 00:10:35,642 Wait, it-it's-it's all right. I feel better now. 277 00:10:35,666 --> 00:10:38,151 I'm sorry that I disappointed you. 278 00:10:38,661 --> 00:10:40,131 Mm. 279 00:10:40,155 --> 00:10:42,693 - There's got to be a "but." - No, no "buts." 280 00:10:42,717 --> 00:10:44,339 Mr. Rinaldi, maybe we can 281 00:10:44,363 --> 00:10:46,343 go find a tow truck and get your 282 00:10:46,367 --> 00:10:48,314 - car out of Richmond Creek. - Good man. 283 00:10:48,338 --> 00:10:51,721 Come on. I mean, I'd rather take the insurance, but... 284 00:10:53,901 --> 00:10:56,864 He's a lot calmer and more pleasant when he's made me angry. 285 00:10:56,888 --> 00:10:58,734 He's feeding on us. 286 00:10:58,758 --> 00:11:00,371 But not by boring us... 287 00:11:00,395 --> 00:11:02,475 but by infuriating us. 288 00:11:02,499 --> 00:11:03,589 I think you might be right. 289 00:11:03,613 --> 00:11:06,715 Colin Robinson is and will always be 290 00:11:06,739 --> 00:11:08,654 - an energy vampire. - Yeah. 291 00:11:08,678 --> 00:11:10,558 Which means I have to tell him. 292 00:11:10,582 --> 00:11:13,695 I have to tell him exactly what he is. 293 00:11:15,049 --> 00:11:17,906 Why didn't you tell me about this secret wisdom 294 00:11:17,930 --> 00:11:20,311 and this collection of souls? I can't believe it. 295 00:11:20,335 --> 00:11:22,182 Well, you don't seem very interested 296 00:11:22,206 --> 00:11:24,286 when I try to share things about my life. 297 00:11:24,310 --> 00:11:25,922 Hey, what about asking 298 00:11:25,946 --> 00:11:28,794 Diamond Jim Brady for some tips about the crowds, huh? 299 00:11:28,818 --> 00:11:32,235 He was a noted gourmand and nightlife habitué. 300 00:11:32,259 --> 00:11:33,270 No. 301 00:11:33,294 --> 00:11:35,408 The reanimated humans themselves 302 00:11:35,432 --> 00:11:36,710 will be the show. 303 00:11:36,734 --> 00:11:38,781 Imagine the crowds we will get. 304 00:11:38,805 --> 00:11:41,754 The greatest minds in all of human history 305 00:11:41,778 --> 00:11:44,559 together onstage for one night only 306 00:11:44,583 --> 00:11:46,421 - at Nadja's. - Wow. 307 00:11:46,968 --> 00:11:49,202 I really should have thought of that. 308 00:11:49,226 --> 00:11:51,373 Yeah. It's actually very troubling that you didn't. 309 00:11:51,397 --> 00:11:53,735 Ah! 310 00:12:01,851 --> 00:12:05,201 So, it's not going so well. I told Nadja 311 00:12:05,225 --> 00:12:07,639 she might want to do some homework before the panel, 312 00:12:07,663 --> 00:12:09,977 but she said she just wanted to wing it. 313 00:12:16,070 --> 00:12:19,529 Wow. Food for thought, Mr. Tchaikovsky. 314 00:12:19,553 --> 00:12:22,435 Food for bloody thought. Now, um, 315 00:12:22,459 --> 00:12:24,272 Lady Murasaki Shikibu, 316 00:12:24,296 --> 00:12:26,945 some say your Tales of Genji 317 00:12:26,969 --> 00:12:30,385 created the literary form we now call the novel. 318 00:12:30,409 --> 00:12:32,689 So, I must ask you, 319 00:12:32,713 --> 00:12:35,328 where do you get your ideas from? 320 00:12:40,395 --> 00:12:41,975 Uh, Mr. Da Vinci, if you want 321 00:12:41,999 --> 00:12:43,644 to jump in anytime, just feel like a normal 322 00:12:43,668 --> 00:12:46,016 conversation, where we all cut in each other and... 323 00:12:49,093 --> 00:12:50,728 Too true. 324 00:12:50,752 --> 00:12:52,929 - An energy vampire? - Yeah. 325 00:12:52,953 --> 00:12:54,607 And so there's... 326 00:12:55,036 --> 00:12:58,541 like, nothing I can do to-to change it? 327 00:12:58,565 --> 00:13:00,645 No. I'm afraid not, my boy. 328 00:13:00,669 --> 00:13:02,615 You see, it's genetics. It's beyond our control. 329 00:13:02,639 --> 00:13:04,486 If I'd have been told when I was your age 330 00:13:04,510 --> 00:13:06,523 that I'd be burdened with rugged good looks, 331 00:13:06,547 --> 00:13:08,828 a rapier wit, and a thick cock, 332 00:13:08,852 --> 00:13:12,335 I, too, would have protested, but, uh, them's the breaks. 333 00:13:12,359 --> 00:13:14,974 Just... an energy vampire, 334 00:13:14,998 --> 00:13:16,525 it just, it sounds so awful. 335 00:13:16,549 --> 00:13:18,286 Yeah, it's not great. 336 00:13:19,558 --> 00:13:22,489 Well, why didn't you do something? 337 00:13:22,513 --> 00:13:24,559 You should have ought to done something about it 338 00:13:24,583 --> 00:13:25,996 instead of just sitting here. 339 00:13:26,020 --> 00:13:29,069 You know the saying, "Man makes plans and... 340 00:13:29,093 --> 00:13:30,905 hmm, laughs." 341 00:13:30,929 --> 00:13:32,275 Who, God? 342 00:13:32,299 --> 00:13:33,677 Now you're blaming God? 343 00:13:33,701 --> 00:13:35,848 Who next, Baby Jesus?! 344 00:13:35,872 --> 00:13:38,479 I hate you! 345 00:13:38,503 --> 00:13:40,206 Shit, that's painful. 346 00:13:41,034 --> 00:13:43,798 I'm doing fine, I guess. 347 00:13:43,822 --> 00:13:45,334 You know, with Nandor's wife Marwa gone 348 00:13:45,358 --> 00:13:47,071 and Colin basically all grown up, 349 00:13:47,095 --> 00:13:49,733 I feel like there's not much for me to do around here. 350 00:13:51,671 --> 00:13:54,786 So, I guess this is what it feels like to be an empty nester. 351 00:13:54,810 --> 00:13:57,025 I never thought I'd get bored of this job 352 00:13:57,049 --> 00:13:59,003 'cause there's always something to do, 353 00:13:59,027 --> 00:14:00,832 but nothing ever changes, 354 00:14:00,856 --> 00:14:02,502 even in my personal life. 355 00:14:02,526 --> 00:14:04,116 I found my first boyfriend, and he... 356 00:14:04,140 --> 00:14:05,775 left me for himself. 357 00:14:05,799 --> 00:14:09,049 It's back to where it all started and the same 358 00:14:09,073 --> 00:14:10,651 day in, day out. 359 00:14:10,675 --> 00:14:12,655 It's like hamsters in those wheels. 360 00:14:12,679 --> 00:14:14,392 I'm a hamster in a... 361 00:14:14,416 --> 00:14:17,422 wheel. 362 00:14:26,099 --> 00:14:28,687 Knock, knock. Seeing if you need anything. 363 00:14:28,711 --> 00:14:31,460 No. All good. Thanks. 364 00:14:31,484 --> 00:14:32,529 You're kind of quiet lately. 365 00:14:32,553 --> 00:14:35,468 Are you sad because Marwa's gone? 366 00:14:35,492 --> 00:14:37,705 There's nothing like the end of a relationship 367 00:14:37,729 --> 00:14:40,511 to really make one appreciate being alone. 368 00:14:40,535 --> 00:14:42,048 So that's it? 369 00:14:42,072 --> 00:14:43,985 - That is what? - It was so important 370 00:14:44,009 --> 00:14:46,423 for you to find a wife and have a huge wedding, 371 00:14:46,447 --> 00:14:49,367 and now that's all gone, and you're just fine? 372 00:14:49,391 --> 00:14:50,794 Pretty much, yeah. 373 00:14:51,988 --> 00:14:54,039 Don't you feel like nothing ever changes around here? 374 00:14:54,063 --> 00:14:56,543 Like, every day just leads to the next 375 00:14:56,567 --> 00:14:58,004 and then the next, and before you know it, 376 00:14:58,931 --> 00:15:01,186 - years go by? - Yes. 377 00:15:01,694 --> 00:15:03,524 Isn't it wonderful? 378 00:15:03,548 --> 00:15:04,783 Okay. 379 00:15:06,187 --> 00:15:07,599 So then what's next? 380 00:15:07,623 --> 00:15:08,969 As you may have noticed, 381 00:15:08,993 --> 00:15:11,573 I've really got back into reading books, 382 00:15:11,597 --> 00:15:12,642 so I think 383 00:15:12,666 --> 00:15:14,206 I'm just gonna do this for a while. 384 00:15:14,230 --> 00:15:16,230 - Oh, for how long? - Not long. 385 00:15:16,254 --> 00:15:18,745 15 years, maybe 20. 386 00:15:40,689 --> 00:15:42,502 As I once said, 387 00:15:42,526 --> 00:15:44,773 you can only win over the opponent... 388 00:15:44,797 --> 00:15:46,710 We figured out, we don't need to do these 389 00:15:46,734 --> 00:15:47,933 in front of a live audience. 390 00:15:47,957 --> 00:15:50,463 We can reach a bigger group of people by simply 391 00:15:50,487 --> 00:15:53,160 recording it and then broadcasting it electronically. 392 00:15:53,481 --> 00:15:55,061 Hello, and welcome to 393 00:15:55,085 --> 00:15:57,165 Talk History with Nadja of Antipaxos. 394 00:15:57,189 --> 00:15:58,826 On tonight's episode... 395 00:15:58,850 --> 00:16:01,573 Then we can make money by selling advertising on it. 396 00:16:01,597 --> 00:16:05,147 Hatred is the subtlest form of... 397 00:16:05,171 --> 00:16:06,951 If I could just, uh, quickly interrupt for a moment. 398 00:16:06,975 --> 00:16:08,654 Would you be so kind as to read off 399 00:16:08,678 --> 00:16:10,625 - this card, Mr. Gandhi? - Mm. 400 00:16:10,649 --> 00:16:13,063 "Pan-seared steaks 401 00:16:13,087 --> 00:16:14,866 "with hot honey biscuits. 402 00:16:14,890 --> 00:16:18,173 "Cheesy pork chorizo enchiladas. 403 00:16:18,197 --> 00:16:21,480 "And those are just two of the signature dishes 404 00:16:21,504 --> 00:16:22,715 - coming from..." - Mmm, mmm. 405 00:16:22,739 --> 00:16:24,653 "Blue Apron this month." 406 00:16:24,677 --> 00:16:27,125 Yum, yum, yum. But tell me, Mahatma, 407 00:16:27,149 --> 00:16:28,527 when was the first time 408 00:16:28,551 --> 00:16:30,264 you tried Blue Apron? 409 00:16:31,446 --> 00:16:32,682 Fuck it. Give it here. I'll read it. 410 00:16:32,859 --> 00:16:34,539 Oh, no, no, no, sorry, Mr. Hemingway. 411 00:16:34,563 --> 00:16:35,976 I-I wanted you to do 412 00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:37,971 the Casper mattresses one before the next break. 413 00:16:42,836 --> 00:16:44,953 So, the money from our sponsorships 414 00:16:44,977 --> 00:16:46,826 was dependent on total 415 00:16:46,850 --> 00:16:50,905 listeners. We made Guillermo listen 11 times and made 0.6 cents. 416 00:16:50,929 --> 00:16:54,286 All that witchcraft for nothing. 417 00:16:54,310 --> 00:16:56,550 Turns out the world just isn't ready 418 00:16:56,574 --> 00:16:58,587 for electronic audio stories. 419 00:16:58,611 --> 00:16:59,856 It also has no use 420 00:16:59,880 --> 00:17:01,560 for a vampire nightclub. 421 00:17:01,584 --> 00:17:03,895 Enough is enough. 422 00:17:03,919 --> 00:17:05,722 I told The Guide to go and sleep at my house 423 00:17:05,746 --> 00:17:07,684 for a girls night, and she obviously 424 00:17:07,708 --> 00:17:10,115 jumped far too enthusiastically at that chance. 425 00:17:10,139 --> 00:17:12,378 Ciao. Au revoir. 426 00:17:12,402 --> 00:17:14,606 I told the wraiths that they've been working too hard, 427 00:17:14,777 --> 00:17:16,156 so they should go on vacation. 428 00:17:16,180 --> 00:17:18,127 Send me a postcard. See you when you're back. 429 00:17:18,151 --> 00:17:20,792 Desperate times call for desperate measures. 430 00:17:22,649 --> 00:17:24,639 You guys should probably get out of here. 431 00:17:24,663 --> 00:17:27,035 It's over. 432 00:17:30,487 --> 00:17:33,628 I said get out. Fuck off. 433 00:18:38,744 --> 00:18:40,882 Move. 434 00:20:04,416 --> 00:20:06,796 This is all my fault. If I had not accepted 435 00:20:06,820 --> 00:20:08,700 your kind invitation last night... 436 00:20:08,724 --> 00:20:10,171 - Thank you again, by the way... - Mm-hmm. 437 00:20:10,195 --> 00:20:11,806 I would have been here, and I could have 438 00:20:11,830 --> 00:20:13,310 - kept this from happening. - Listen, 439 00:20:13,334 --> 00:20:15,714 we can't be everywhere all the time, can we? 440 00:20:15,738 --> 00:20:17,852 No, but we did get lucky. 441 00:20:17,876 --> 00:20:20,925 Nothing actually got burned. Phew. 442 00:20:20,949 --> 00:20:22,728 Nothing got burned? 443 00:20:22,752 --> 00:20:23,897 The blood sprinklers went off 444 00:20:23,921 --> 00:20:25,734 and extinguished the fire before it could 445 00:20:25,758 --> 00:20:26,903 really get going. 446 00:20:26,927 --> 00:20:28,307 - The blood sprinklers? - Yes. 447 00:20:28,331 --> 00:20:31,246 The blood sprinklers that have never worked 448 00:20:31,270 --> 00:20:34,018 any of the times we have tried to make them work? 449 00:20:34,042 --> 00:20:37,916 This is making me very hungry. 450 00:20:39,883 --> 00:20:43,437 So, your office is the only room that got burned 451 00:20:43,461 --> 00:20:45,261 because there are no blood sprinklers in it. 452 00:20:45,285 --> 00:20:46,376 Yes. 453 00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:50,251 I am so upset right now. 454 00:20:50,275 --> 00:20:51,853 So, I was just wondering, um, 455 00:20:51,877 --> 00:20:53,156 how much money can we get for this? 456 00:20:53,180 --> 00:20:54,893 Depends what kind of insurance you have. 457 00:20:54,917 --> 00:20:57,298 What is "insur-suriance," 458 00:20:57,322 --> 00:20:58,935 and, uh, where can we get some? 459 00:20:58,959 --> 00:21:02,074 Uh, probably a little late for that at this point. 460 00:21:02,098 --> 00:21:04,153 You said you had a floor plan I can take a look at? 461 00:21:04,177 --> 00:21:05,514 Yes, right this way. 462 00:21:05,538 --> 00:21:07,351 Shit. 463 00:21:12,700 --> 00:21:15,326 I haven't been making the best decisions recently, 464 00:21:15,350 --> 00:21:19,533 thanks to all the delicious liquor blood I've been drinking. 465 00:21:23,007 --> 00:21:26,790 My money. 466 00:21:26,814 --> 00:21:30,864 She was so fresh and green, 467 00:21:30,888 --> 00:21:34,329 and now the faces are all burnt! 468 00:22:07,262 --> 00:22:09,042 No. The way it works 469 00:22:09,066 --> 00:22:10,979 is, you buy the insurance 470 00:22:11,003 --> 00:22:12,882 before something bad happens, 471 00:22:12,906 --> 00:22:14,252 - and then... - No, I think, my friend, 472 00:22:14,276 --> 00:22:16,456 you buy. And did you buy? No. 473 00:22:16,480 --> 00:22:18,860 How much money could we get 474 00:22:18,884 --> 00:22:20,264 if we set him on fire? 475 00:22:20,288 --> 00:22:22,001 Hey, hey. What's up? 476 00:22:22,025 --> 00:22:23,537 How's it hanging? 477 00:22:23,561 --> 00:22:25,307 L-O-L. R-O-F-L. 478 00:22:25,331 --> 00:22:28,277 Y-O-L-O. O-M-G. W-T-F. 479 00:22:28,301 --> 00:22:31,322 All those acronyms, I love them. 480 00:22:33,140 --> 00:22:35,205 Colin Robinson? 481 00:22:35,229 --> 00:22:36,734 Is it really you? 482 00:22:36,758 --> 00:22:38,997 Well, it's not Don Knotts. 483 00:22:39,021 --> 00:22:41,406 - But how the shit have you...? - Oh, well, 484 00:22:41,430 --> 00:22:45,214 the great thing about keeping a detailed diary is, 485 00:22:45,238 --> 00:22:48,612 if you ever forget anything about your life, 486 00:22:48,636 --> 00:22:50,022 you can look it up. 487 00:22:50,046 --> 00:22:53,080 It's also great for receipts. 488 00:22:53,104 --> 00:22:54,565 Now, a lot of people 489 00:22:54,589 --> 00:22:57,171 keep receipts, but they forget to write down 490 00:22:57,195 --> 00:22:58,975 what they were for, which causes 491 00:22:58,999 --> 00:23:01,179 a major headache come tax time. 492 00:23:01,203 --> 00:23:03,705 Whether you hire an accountant or 493 00:23:03,729 --> 00:23:05,654 you do it online by yourself, 494 00:23:05,678 --> 00:23:07,191 you're gonna miss some deductions 495 00:23:07,215 --> 00:23:09,629 because you won't be able to reference 496 00:23:09,653 --> 00:23:12,068 what they were when Johnny Taxman 497 00:23:12,092 --> 00:23:13,637 - comes and... - Colin Robinson, tell me something, 498 00:23:13,661 --> 00:23:16,910 a while ago, we went to a lads night at Sean's house, 499 00:23:16,934 --> 00:23:18,696 and as we entered his premises, 500 00:23:18,720 --> 00:23:20,617 you used some ridiculous childish voice. 501 00:23:20,641 --> 00:23:23,323 Meesa Jar Jar Binks. 502 00:23:23,347 --> 00:23:25,194 - It's him. - Ah. Well, 503 00:23:25,218 --> 00:23:28,200 welcome back, original Colin Robinson. Now, 504 00:23:28,224 --> 00:23:30,204 how much money do we have in our bank account? 505 00:23:30,228 --> 00:23:34,164 Uh, around $655,415 506 00:23:34,188 --> 00:23:35,677 and change. 507 00:23:35,701 --> 00:23:37,852 - Oh, yes, very nice. - Now, I wanted to roll that 508 00:23:37,876 --> 00:23:39,288 into a Roth IRA, not to be confused... 509 00:23:39,312 --> 00:23:40,557 What's our bank account PIN code? 510 00:23:40,581 --> 00:23:43,497 Oh, our personal identification number 511 00:23:43,521 --> 00:23:45,501 is 420, 69, 24, 7. 512 00:23:45,525 --> 00:23:47,138 I'll call the contractors in the morning. 513 00:23:47,162 --> 00:23:51,103 Actually, if it's to fix up this shithole, I'll do it. 514 00:23:51,127 --> 00:23:52,983 If there's anything I enjoy more 515 00:23:53,007 --> 00:23:54,252 than managing a project, 516 00:23:54,276 --> 00:23:56,156 it's micromanaging a project. 517 00:23:56,180 --> 00:23:59,629 And, so, after you replace these pipes, 518 00:23:59,653 --> 00:24:01,566 - we're gonna want to put in... - New Sheetrock and... 519 00:24:01,590 --> 00:24:03,503 Excuse me, if I may finish. 520 00:24:03,527 --> 00:24:05,975 We're gonna want to put on half-inch 521 00:24:05,999 --> 00:24:07,645 VOC-absorbing drywall, 522 00:24:07,669 --> 00:24:11,019 not Sheetrock, as you mistakenly said. 523 00:24:11,043 --> 00:24:13,590 Uh, Laszlo, what do you want to do with this race car bed? 524 00:24:13,614 --> 00:24:15,661 Do you want to keep it, or can we get rid of it? 525 00:24:15,685 --> 00:24:17,731 Well... 526 00:24:17,755 --> 00:24:19,259 that's your bed. 527 00:24:19,283 --> 00:24:20,637 Well, it was. 528 00:24:20,661 --> 00:24:22,408 I-I-I've never seen this bed in my life. 529 00:24:22,432 --> 00:24:24,363 All right, well, shitcan the bed. 530 00:24:24,387 --> 00:24:25,982 Now let's head downstairs. 531 00:24:26,006 --> 00:24:28,253 I want to give you guys a couple quick tips 532 00:24:28,277 --> 00:24:31,659 on how to remove old Formica tiling. 533 00:24:31,683 --> 00:24:32,695 The asbestos 534 00:24:32,719 --> 00:24:34,165 in the adhesive 535 00:24:34,189 --> 00:24:35,534 - can become quite a... - Colin? 536 00:24:35,558 --> 00:24:37,605 - Yeah. - So, you really don't remember 537 00:24:37,629 --> 00:24:39,109 anything from the last year? 538 00:24:39,133 --> 00:24:40,672 Uh, no. 539 00:24:40,696 --> 00:24:42,678 Not really. I-I remember it was my... 540 00:24:42,702 --> 00:24:45,195 100th birthday party, and I had a bit of, uh, 541 00:24:45,219 --> 00:24:46,970 - tummy trouble... - Right. 542 00:24:46,994 --> 00:24:48,355 And the next thing I remember is, 543 00:24:48,379 --> 00:24:50,731 I'm reading my diaries, and, yeah, 544 00:24:50,755 --> 00:24:51,900 everything in between's a blank. 545 00:24:51,924 --> 00:24:55,474 You don't remember me bringing you up from a small baby? 546 00:24:55,498 --> 00:24:57,758 No. No, not at all. 547 00:24:57,782 --> 00:24:59,195 Do you remember, um, 548 00:24:59,219 --> 00:25:01,686 me playing the piano and you singing and dancing? 549 00:25:01,710 --> 00:25:04,592 And then sometimes we'd jump over the fence at the zoo 550 00:25:04,616 --> 00:25:06,629 in the middle of the night to look at the baby rhinos? 551 00:25:06,653 --> 00:25:09,469 Yeah, no. Doesn't ring a single bell. 552 00:25:09,493 --> 00:25:10,737 - Are you okay? - Yeah, yeah. 553 00:25:10,761 --> 00:25:11,913 - You sure? - Yeah. 554 00:25:11,937 --> 00:25:14,070 Do-do you smell toast or anything? 555 00:25:14,094 --> 00:25:16,065 - I'm-I'm good. - All right. 556 00:25:32,772 --> 00:25:35,053 Nothing ever changes in this house. 557 00:25:35,077 --> 00:25:37,057 Nothing is ever going to change, 558 00:25:37,081 --> 00:25:38,326 unless I change it. 559 00:25:38,350 --> 00:25:40,330 So, that's it for me. 560 00:25:40,354 --> 00:25:42,501 Oh, and you guys can use my room for storage if you want. 561 00:25:42,525 --> 00:25:43,803 I won't need it. 562 00:25:50,210 --> 00:25:51,805 Derek? 563 00:25:51,829 --> 00:25:53,032 Yeah, in the back. 564 00:25:54,115 --> 00:25:55,385 Derek. 565 00:25:55,409 --> 00:25:56,763 Yeah, back here. 566 00:25:56,787 --> 00:26:00,137 I just got to finish this account. 24 times 18. 567 00:26:00,161 --> 00:26:02,641 Okay. What is so urgent? 568 00:26:02,665 --> 00:26:04,812 Well, Derek... 569 00:26:04,836 --> 00:26:06,160 this... 570 00:26:06,429 --> 00:26:07,773 is for you. 571 00:26:07,797 --> 00:26:09,801 Whoa. 572 00:26:10,147 --> 00:26:12,610 - What did I do to deserve this? - Nothing. 573 00:26:12,634 --> 00:26:14,204 It's what you're about to do. 574 00:26:14,228 --> 00:26:15,598 Which is...? 575 00:26:16,368 --> 00:26:18,815 You're gonna make me a vampire. 576 00:26:20,135 --> 00:26:23,149 ♪ Is this the little girl ♪ 577 00:26:23,173 --> 00:26:26,322 ♪ I carried? ♪ 578 00:26:26,346 --> 00:26:29,195 ♪ Is this the little boy ♪ 579 00:26:29,219 --> 00:26:32,292 ♪ At play? ♪ 580 00:26:33,327 --> 00:26:36,109 ♪ I don't remember ♪ 581 00:26:36,133 --> 00:26:39,606 ♪ Growing older ♪ 582 00:26:40,341 --> 00:26:46,420 ♪ When did they? ♪ 583 00:26:47,606 --> 00:26:50,871 ♪ Sunrise, sunset ♪ 584 00:26:50,895 --> 00:26:52,875 ♪ Sunrise ♪ 585 00:26:52,899 --> 00:26:54,679 ♪ Sunset ♪ 586 00:26:54,703 --> 00:27:00,691 ♪ Swiftly flow the days. ♪ 587 00:27:00,715 --> 00:27:08,715 - Synced and corrected by L0tech - -- www.addic7ed.com --